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User blog:Mrs Chanandler Bong/NEW NEWS: BRITS 2017 Special
This blog will be updated every time there is an important BRITS 2017 event. The BRITS is hosted by Dermot O'Leary of the X Factor and Emma Willis of The Voice as MIchael Bublé pulled out to focus on his son's cancer diagnosis. This is Mrs. Chanandler Bong, author of Krazy vs. Life, Gender-Flipped and terrible question blogs, but you can just call me Bong. Wait scrap that I did this last year but the BRITS blitz is back so I'll be covering it as it goes like last year. Today we'll be seeing performances from Ed Sheeran, Katy Perry, Bruno Mars, Robbie Williams, Little Mix, Emeli Sandé, the 1975, Skepta--seriously who the hell are these people? Seriously wat they're two minutes late on airing the award ceremony what the hell? Apparently cheese adverts are more important. Damnit ITV (oh come on it's seriously sponsored by mastercard again) So they just started. Emma Willis is really cold on the top of the O2 arena but Dermot doesn't give a single deleted So our first performance, beginning with Little Mix screaming in skimpy outfits followed by weird grey aliens. Sounds promising Of course they sing their hit Shout Out to My Ex. I like how the first lyric is literally saying that the song is the song's name This is Shout Out to My Ex I don't really like this song but it's more upbeat than the bland, repetitive performance of the same song that Little Mix is performing. Jesus the worst SpongeBob episodes at least have some attempt at humour or entertainment. This is dry and monotonous. shut up brits audience you know you don't like this song either They're doing the X Factor "X" with their hands do they really know where they are? They finally started presenting after nine minutes. Emma wants to be in Little Mix.. don't Emma you're better than this Dermot's cringy jokes are cringy So, British Artist Video of the Year nominations are typical - Little Mix, One Direction, James Arthur, Zayn and wait Coldplay? I'm voting for them "That is gonna be a tough choice" nope Coldplay Dermot really is just pretending Emma isn't here, he's also really short compared David Tennant, new voice of Scrooge McDuck, is presenting Female Solo Artist Who's Lianne la Havas? Ellie Goulding sure... but Aohni? Nao? People with weird names are dominating the nominations. The winner is... Emeli Sandé for the second time. I expected this, she's the only decent singer there from what I've heard really mastercard is on the BRITS podium? wow It was nice of Emeli Sandé going up with someone who really helped her, I really appreciated that Dermot holding another BRIT award like he's so smug The bands go head to head with Bruno Mars performing-- oh wait it's a advert MOTHERF-- an advert for the BRITS album in the BRITS award ceremon-- WAIT THERE'S AN ADVERT FOR THE NINTENDO SWITCH FRICK THIS nintendo has finally resorted to making their actors dab. anyway BRITS The new award looks hella weird Triple BRIT winner gets more recognition even though he's not frakkin' British. Bruno Mars performing some weird sex-funk song. Boring but has more energy than Little Mix at least Just Shazammed the song. It's "That's What I Like". Just noticed the lyrics that bring this song down. Typical 'heyo I'll have smexytimes with everyone from every country listed in the song' song what's with these weird half-red half-blue shirts. I dunno if that's the fashion of today but (shrug) also strawberry champagne? i'm happy that exists talkin' to the audience to get some 12-year-old girls riled up, who are also btw illegally filming this performance and probably posting it to the 'tubes by the time the performance ends Emeli Sandé's performing but not when she picked up the award Some Game of Thrones girl and a really funny British comedian presenting the Group BATTLE OF THE BANDS: Bastille, Biffy Clyro, Radiohead, The 1975, Little Mix because you know they technically fit in the category even though the rest is alt rock I voted for Radiohead but of course it's the 1975 cos they're the thing right now. Surprised Little Mix didn't win but The 1975 is a kewl band so that's alright >''I speak for all of us'' ''for once OOHHH STAMMERING LEAD SINGER REKKING THE REST OF THE GROUP He's making up some stuff for filler. You could just say ''"thanks" like Emeli but nah he has to go on some bullcrap about staying in the lanes OH COME ON ANOTHER BREAK I'LL BREAK YOU LIKE A KIT-KAT EMMA anyway outburst everted it's back now oh crap no it isn't there's adverts for another show it's actually back now Dermot can't talk. Like he literally can't "Welcome to the Brit-BRITs award--audience 2016-2017!" emma made a weird noise "ooehh I wanna be down there" who's zain low but anyway British Male Solo Artist nominations: Craig David (ew), Skepta (meh), David Bowie (he's dead so technically he can't accept it but it's a nice tribute), Kano (who?) and Michael Kiwanuka--who the hell is Kiwanuka? Of course Bowie won. I'm guessing Zowie would come up but now it's Michael Seymour to accept the award. "If David Bowie could be here tonight he probably wouldn't come here tonight" Michael you dick He's accepting the award but most of it is just making jokes. Wow Mike Emeli Sandé's performing finally. Weird-ass dabbing teenagers are here to light up the mood of this otherwise dry award show... to no avail. Emeli mate, liven up you just won an award I guess it's more upbeat than Little Mix. By the way the song is "Hurts". It's a meh song but I do enjoy this live performance more than the official song. Quite nice. Thanks Emeli for livening up my enjoyment for this ceremony Strangely optimistic piano man is strangely optimistic Dermot's barkin like a dog at Emeli huh another freaking break, this award ceremony really needs the money from other adverts. the shameless promotion from mastercard isn't enough WELCOME BACK TO THE BRITISH BREAKTHROUGH AWARD--stfu dermot >''I think we should just get onto this'' Throwing shade to Emma like a smug O'Leary bastard Nick Grimshaw and Rita Ora (relevant people right here), and Rita's obviously drunk so she let Nick do the talking WHO'S NOMINATED? Anne-Marie, Skepta again who the hell even is he, the huge - literally I saw him on the Graham Norton Show he's so tall - Rag 'n' Bone Man, alt. band Blossoms and Grimey McGrime Stormzy. >''bakethrough'' Rita you're drunk go home Rag 'n' Bone Man won! I voted for him, I don't like his music much but he's a really nice man with a great voice. Well done dude Aww he's so happy about it too, he can't say much tho. >''I thought I could reEl something off but nah I can't I'm speechless'' A genuine nice pop star. Love him. Dermot doesn't give a f--k about RnBM however because he started discussing with Ed Sheeran who needs loads more recognition rite? The 1975 start perfoming their most popular and least decent song. Typical but it's not a bad song. "The Sound" is a good enough track but... THERE'S WEIRD PINK WORDS ARE COMING UP ON THE RECORDING WHAT THE HELL "PUNCH-YOUR-TV OBNOXIOUS" "LACKING THE X FACTOR" "GENUINELY LAUGHABLE" "I ONLY HAD CHOCOLATE ONCE, AND I HATED IT" "UNCONVINCING EMO LYRICS" "DERIVATIVE POP" "CONTRIVED KNOCK-OFFS" "CRINGE-WORTHY" Gotta love the effort put into this self-deprecating performance. Absolutely fantastic performance "Time for a break" oh screw you emma guess who's back, back again? dermot's back, bitch and it's the BRITS This year's *faith*ful tribute is to George Michael, one of my faves Prince, Christina Grimmie, and a lot of others, like Pete Burns, Martin Stone, Maurice White, Phife Dawg and especially the writer of masterpieces and one of the best artists ever, Leonard Cohen. A guy who I've never heard of is tributing a "supernova in shining starts" who has been "extinguished" - the life-loving George Michael. He's reminiscing his sketches and outtakes he took with George Michael. Of course they're name-dropping bands. But three people here, possibly the remaining touring members of Wham!, are name-dropping their songs to get an applause. To be fair, Andrew, Shirley and someone else who hasn't told her name yet (Wham! member #0004 is what I'm gonna codename her) are seriously complementing and reminiscing about George and I really appreciate it. Some of them are tearing up, it's beautiful. >He's like a brother to me It'll be okay Shirley. It'll be okay Seriously George Michael was what most people remembered about Wham! but I really appreciate these guys' work and this tribute that they've gone to such lengths to write. Chris Martin of Coldplay is coming up for a heartfelt performance. I don't like bland, dry and repetitive sad songs that don't have much creativity as most times, but Chris is putting his heart into it and it is a tribute. I love the backing vocals from a live recording of this song. Prince also played a part posthomously by having him saying "peace to George Michael" in another live recording. Chris is tearing up, so is Nick Grimshaw. Rita's still drunk as ever Back to a break. We're back - Emma and Dermot are listing songs they like. who cares Celebrities named after plants such as Holly Willoughby and someone else are saying British Single nominations. They are #PILLOWTALK (Zayn), Rockabye (Clean Bandit), Girls Like (Tini Tempah), Fast Car (someone), Say You Won't Let Go (James Arthur), and other nominations by Calum Scott, Little Mix, Calvin Harris and Jesus there's loads of nominations. I'm rooting for Coldplay... nope Little Mix got nominated of course they're gonna win. The screen went black - guessing wardrobe malfunction cos Little Mix were hanging onto their pants. They're so sweaty geez does it take that much effort to walk to the podium that's SPONSORED BY MASTERCARD They're literally wearing next to nothing and one of them's Madonna Katy Perry's performing her new single which is meh, quite boring really. It's "Chained to the Rhythm"... I'm not Apparently Skip Marley's supposed to rap here but I haven't seen him yet what's with the paper houses they are literally just paper, sellotape and a few boxes. is this supposed to be some weird metaphor? Skip Marley entered as a house. Good job There's also weird people in the houses and a weird skeleton. Puppet skeletons are obviously Katy Perry's thing. I have no review for this song and I'm finding it hard to describe it because it's so damn weird Jonathan Ross and another woman who I don't know (Wham! member #0004 doppelganger) are presenting the Global Success Award. Of course Adele won, but I can't get over how Jonathan Ross and WM#0004DG hated each other throughout the presentation. ADELE DON'T BREAK YOUR BRITS AWARD PLEASE Adele throwing shade to the producers who made and filmed her video for the award - "this fake bush's behind me to pretend I'm somewhere nice" Rag 'n' Bone Man's talking to Emma. >''You didn't know what to say. Has it sunk in?'' >''No I really don't still'' OHHH CLASSIC RAG 'N' BONE MAN Rag 'n' Bone Man's cat has been chewing the edge of his British Choice Award - he says it's added character to the award. Skepta, aka Grimey McGrime, started rapping but was immediately muted like Kanye. Not as much, tho >''New York!'' Mate you've forgotten where you are you're in London Anyway absolutely crap song. If it's a song. Simon Cowell's reluctantly clapping. The song was "Shutdown"... hopefully Robbie Williams and Ed Sheeran will redeem this award ceremony. Three random girls I don't know are entitled to announce nominations for International Male. Of course it's Drake, Bon Iver, Bruno Mars (obviously), Leonard Cohen (even though he's dead) and the Weeknd (ew). THE AWARD GOES TO "champagne puppy Drizzy Drake". He's not there but he has a video. His speech is as monotonous as his rapping. "My brother Skep to the BB K to the world" wtf are you saying m9? International Female Artist goes to Beyoncé. International Group goes to A Tribe Called Quest. They did not announce the nominations which is absolutely selfish and a dick move. The Chainsmokers and Coldplay performing together. This is interesting and wasn't recorded on Wikipedia. This was an actually interesting and vibrant performances. They're performing the new song by Chainsmokers. Chris Martin is fondling his parts and crowd-surfing and making his nose look weird. He's even laughing and forgetting the words. Such a fail but eh, I like him. At least they look happy, especially the drummer. Everyone else looks absolutely bored and sad. Robbie's performing--AFTER A BREAK we're back yo Simon and Nicole presenting, with Nicole being drunkenly obnoxious. >I don't know what's happening I don't know either, Simon. >''Can I say it?'' >''No you can't.'' Simon didn't know the winner so he milked it... or he didn't because his act won. So the British Artist Video of the Year winner (the most hyped-up award it seems) is... ONE DIRECTION. Ew No just kidding, again the two most disappointed members were there, but only one actually came up. Don't know which one it was but I appreciate his thanks to the fans. Simon mouthed to the producer "can I go?" God Simon's just a fail >''Take your time, Simon'' Dermot throwing shade once again Ed Sheeran performing for you Castle on the Hill, my favourite song that he's released so far. This song is absolutely fantastic and tells a really good story, without being boring. This is my favourite song of 2017 so far, even beating Gorillaz' new song. It's absolutely fantastic - an upbeat song that tells a story and even sounds as good live as it does recorded. It's great. The performance was a bit underwhelming, and the fact that he literally stopped the good song to sing his boring dancehall popular one. With an extra-shitty unnecessary rap verse from Stormzy cos hey, he's popular! Of course, but maybe it's not their fault. The people behind the BRITs wanted recognition so they just got the most popular artists and their most popular songs, no matter how much of a drivelling slog they were. The BRITs sucked this year, despite a few shining stars. Absolutely horrific direction for the presenters, crap songs and even the tribute felt half-hearted. 2016 was not just a horrible year for politics, but for music. Let's hope 2017 will be better. I don't care about Noel Gallagher. I don't care about the Icon Award, which Robbie Williams won, and the album award which is full of bland sloggy nominations, with the winner being David Bowie (wow), with his son Duncan Jones actually coming up to accept it that's pretty cool but I don't care. I'm not giving it up for Stormzy, Ed. I'm just giving up. Mrs Chanandler Bong out! ---- 2016's coverage here Category:Blog posts